Archive for the ‘i am a fool’ Category

Today was the last day of the second week of school (UofT has decided to create massive confusion with a schedule that makes sense but is still so fucking stupid) and I think I may be settling in with this going to lectures business and 10 hour days. I miss being a lazy good-for-nothing.

General updates on life:

  • I spend more than the course recommended amount of time working in the lab on my fourth-year project. I’m currently in the lab honeymoon phase where I’m convinced my supervisor is awesome (even if she intimidates me), the research I’ll be doing is pretty cool, and the grad student teaching me is not a controlling asshat who thinks I’m an idiot. Now I just wait until everyone realizes that I’m an incompetent idiot.
  • I’ve had a quick intro to neuroscience in three of my classes which is almost all repeat of stuff I’ve already learned (in one class I’ve even gotten the same lecture I had two years ago by the same prof). At this point, I think I may be learning more about the various ways to give this lecture and the different things you can emphasize.
  • The only non-physiology course I’m taking this term is with the two awesomest professors I’ve had at UofT. I took a course run by them last year and it freaking blew my mind. Since I’m sure someone will make a wrong assumption on the subject, it’s a science course.
  • I’ve got a lot of events to help setup as club exec and circumstances keep conspiring to give us even more stuff to do. I’ll also, hopefully, be volunteering at the Centre for Women and Trans People. Yeah for non-class stuff to keep me busy!
  • The last two days have been crappy emotionally. Everything external to how I feel is pretty good, but my reactions to stuff are completely inadequate. Anytime I’m not mentally occupied I start feeling panic-y, like I’m about to screw something up.
  • If I could have any superpower, I’d want to be able to stop time while I nap/sleep…
…and on that note I should go to bed.

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Some of you might read the title and think, “What the balls is LostMarbles smoking?” Today is the start of a new year for me. I know the calender still says 2009 and will continue to say that for the next 4 months, but having spent the last 15+ years in in school I’ve been convinced that the year begins sometime in the first week of September. So in the grand tradition of setting up goals you’re unlikely to accomplish because it makes you believe that you are planning ahead, here are mine:

– Stop wasting so much money on meaningless trinkets. Yes they’re shiny and I’m a magpie pie, but I should try.
– Get into grad school
– Stop eating skeezy candy from the bulk store during exam periods
– Read more than 2 works of original fiction
– Finish building my RX-0 Unicorn Gundam before the anime is released.
– Learn some awesome things from my fourth-year project course
– Come up with awesome pie ideas that don’t end up looking like chocolate soup in a pie crust
– Keep on track with reading for my classes
– Kick ass at life…
– … so I can buy a pet unicorn. A gal can dream, right?

So for all of you who still think the year starts in September, what do you want to achieve and/or change about your life in the 2009/2010 year?

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Pyth suggested in a comment to a previous post that it may not be a terrible idea to vent/talk about my personal experience with self-injury. I’ve been reluctant do do so for many reasons. One of then is that I so rarely (never) talk about it IRL or on the internet and I just don’t know what to say or how to say it. A bigger obstacle is the fear of judgement.

I’m afraid of being seen as an “attention whore”. It’s hard to escape that insecurity when the most widespread image of a person who self-injures is the angsty teenager using mental illness cutting as a way of rebelling, getting their parent’s attention, and/or garnering sympathy from their peers. While this image is dishonest and dismissive, it’s not what really fucks me over and makes me insecure with how I’m judged when I talk about self-injury. What fucks me over is when it’s used to create a distinction between “real” and “fake” self-injury.

You see, there are fake self-injurers (whatever that actually means) who use self-injury to manipulate people for sympathy points when there is really nothing wrong with them (lets ignore that that cutting/burning/hitting yourself for attention indicates that something is probably not right). These people flaunt it (by which we mean talk about it at all) and should be ignored or laughed at (see various jokes at self-injurer’s expense). There are of course “real” self-injury. These are people with serious mental illness and serious problems because there’s got to be something really, really wrong with you if you purposely injure yourself. More importantly, these “real” self-injurers don’t ever talk about it because they are too ashamed and they should feel bad because they’re doing a very bad thing. In conclusion, if you talk about deliberately injuring yourself you’re just trying to get attention and you’re not serious and should not be taken seriously.

I know this is all complete bullshit. I know that what other people, especially ignorant idiots, think shouldn’t matter. But having that as a the main discussion and characterization of self-injury during those formative teenage years makes it hard not to develop anxiety about this judgement even when I know better.

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Tomorrow, I have my first exam and I doubt I’ll be sleeping tonight. Since almost anything is preferable to lying in bed trying to fall asleep while my brain is repeating the spinothalamic tract or the cranial nerve nuclei, I went and got enough caffeinated beverages to keep me awake for days…and chocolate gummi bears. Chocolate gummi bears make me feel better about my impending death by neuroanatomy final. I am, in fact, the most pathetic human being on the planet.

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I’ve been shit with posting the last week or so because I’ve been busy writing lab reports, assignments, and memorizing the fucking nuclei in the brainstem. So as penance, I’ll post this gel from two weeks ago:

I my defense:

  • I wasn’t the only one responsible for this mess (four pairs of hands are rarely better than one)
  • It was my first time pouring a gel
  • I hadn’t slept the night before.

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We had our first real snowfall of the season last night, but i didn’t get to enjoy it until the morning when I was done with my lab reports and was getting ready to leave. Looking out my window I noticed everything was white and pretty.I grabbed my camera, opened the window, stuck half my torso out, and snapped a few photos.

Then it hit me. I was wearing nothing but a bra. Situational awareness, I need me some of that.

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I’m really very bad at introducing myself. I’m never quite sure what other people want to know about me. But since I don’t live my life as a hermit I’ve managed to pick up enough tricks to at least make an attempt.

The first thing I guess you want to know is my name, which is Lost Marbles. This is either a pseudonym or the result of having truly cruel parents, I’ll let you decide. Some other pertinent information is that I’m 20, female, and from Toronto (do u want 2 cyber?). I’m also a third year undergraduate student at the University of Toronto , studying life sciences (1). You should probably take note of that last one as it’s likely to come up pretty often at this blog.

This is probably also the point at which I explain why I’m keeping a blog. Mostly it’s to try and keep me writing. I’ve never really been confident in my writing abilities, but I have been told I’m not as bad as I imagine myself to be and after taking a writing course this semester I’m starting to believe that might be true. So, since I’m not so terrible that anything I write must not see the light of day and I remember a few cliches about practicing and perfecting things, I’m giving this a try.

Hopefully, this attempt at blogging will be more successful then past attempts. It would be a bit sad if I’m still as boring and filled with teenage angst as I was at fourteen.

1. I’d be more specific, but I’d like to at least pretend that I can manage pseudonymity

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